Derren Brown: Archive
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From: Blue Chip
Date: Wed Apr 30, 2003 4:54pm
Subject: Fwd: well, I make *me* laugh...
Well, I wrote it, it was rejected, so just in case there is a second person
in the world who shares my sense of humour, this is it...
-------------
Herron Drown enters the green room where his bosom buddy Rabid Drain
is waiting. Herron is enters from stage left shaking his head with
his face in his hands after a particularly disastwous TV pwesentation...
HD: "ONE OF THE THREE!! What was I thinking!??"
RD: "duuudde, you're the mind reader ...I thought _you_ were supposed
to tell _me_ what _I_ was thinking"
HD: "No, no, no that's my twist. You tell me what _I'm_ thinking,
then when _you_ get it wrong, _I'm_ still the stud"
and starts nodding like a cheap car accesory with a manufacturing
defect.
RD: "Look dood, there's a coupla things you really gotta lern"
Herron rubs the fingers of his right hand into his left palm,
looks at the back of his hand and....concludes that his fingernails
are dirty, and pulls out a metal nail file.
RD: "Wassat duuude?"
HD: "A, aaaarrrrrr, 'friend', bought it for me."
RD: "What friend?"
HD: "His name was Grant. But forget that for now. Look..."
and, with the deftness of a cheap fiction writer, demonstrates a
skill he learned from a particularly cute majorette and shows the
nail file to Rabid in a terribly deceptive manner.
...Rabid pretends to be impressed. But fails
...Rabid pretends to be impressed again. And does much better
this time
...Rabid pretends to be impressed again. He decides he got it
best the second time, and stops posing.
HD: "Oh that's very not-nice I don't think so of you.
Don't make it look too fake won't you!
Maybe you think" <tonality shift> "I can make you swallow your
tongue"
RD: "Chill duuude, we'll get the boys in the editing room to sort it
out later"
Herron frowns in a disapproving manner and mutters something about
getting his mates to follow Rabid around on a shopping excursion
and flash their left armpits at him from time-to-time.
RD: "So what's with the pokey thing maan?"
HD: "OK In you're mine, think of a father figure digging the garden..."
RD: "duuudddeeee, we've had this conversation before, and I told you..."
HD: "No, no, no. Go with me on this."
RD: "uh huh" and looks terribly worried.
HD: "Now! Name a card"
RD: "okay, like, errrr, Eight of Spades"
HD: "no, no, no, let me try that again... This time DON'T think of your
favourite card"
RD: "okay dude, errr Three of Clubs"
HD: "No, no, no if you just guess, you only have a 1 in 52 chance"
RD: "No I don't maaan, 'cos you already told me not to think of my
favourite one, that's like 1 in errrr, errrr, 50. Yeah, 1 in 50"
HD: "1 in 51" Herron corrects him in Parental Tone
RD: "Oh yeeeaaahhh, I forgot, I imagined like, a little mini me in my head,
and I made him, like, take one card from the pack, and then count
them. But the barstool did a double lift on me."
HD: "What!??????"
RD: "...Yeah, I got like a whole coffee shop full of little men in my head.
When I want to do coin tricks I go over and eat the cookies in front
of the money changer."
HD: "You've ruined my trick now" ...and with that Herron leans over stabs
Rabid in the leg with the nail file
RD: "like cooool dude, how did you know your card was in my pocket?"
HD: "I didn't. I missed"
...time passes
...Herron makes the picture smaller and drains all the colour out of it
...Rabid franticly hunts around for his "clipper" (www.flamgas.com)
HD: "Rabid?"
RD: "hmmmmm" he peers at Herron through an ever increasing cloud of
sweet smelling smog.
HD: "What encouraged you to characture the vernacular or the peoples
rebel; the eco-typical partaker in the inhalation of the plant genus
Cannabis Sativa L"
RD: "Hey maaan, why do you wear such _gay_ shoes?"
HD: "I got them from this short queen you know."
RD: "Oh very witty!"
HD: "You avoided my question ...why the hippie thing?"
Herron pauses
"...and WHAT _is_ THAT smell"
RD: "That's like last night's lentil curry maaaan"
...Rabid pulls his hand from between his legs...
"coooooool, my clipper (www.flamgas.com)"
He holds up the lighter which he has clearly been sitting on for
the last 20 minutes.
HD: "You're confusing me"
RD: "My clipper (www.flamgas.com) dude, I found my
clipper (www.flamgas.com)"
HD: "Why do you keep your clipper up... No. Too easy. Why do you
keep mumbling 'www.flamgas.com'?"
RD: "ohhhh, I like read your fan group looking for dirt on you..."
HD: "and..."
RD: "I keep getting the urge to become a salesman. I'm thinking of
inflatable sheep"
HD: "Now there's an image I didn't need"
RD: "No, dude, sellin' them"
Rabid allows one of his rare cynical grins to appear
HD: "I told you before you dumb yank, Bristol is NOT in Wales"
RD: "It's close" Rabid shrugs ...grins again ...annoyingly
HD: "So, come on then" <little hand gesture> "If you're so smart why
do you own a lighter if you don't smoke?"
RD: "ohhh duuuude, you mean like you haven't seen my party trick?"
Rabid raises one leg and lowers the lighter back to it's former
resting place.
"Pull my finger dude"
| Replies | Author | Yahoo! ID | Date | Size |
| 4910: Re: Fwd: well, I make *me* laugh... | hypersang | hypersang | Wed 30/04/2003 | 7 KB |
