Derren Brown: Archive
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From: ganetauk
Date: Tue Feb 19, 2002 6:23pm
Subject: t rapport skills metamind
Matching:
We tend to like people like
ourselves. We get on better with them, and so communicate
with them more effectively. And they, in turn, get to
like us. Effective rapport therefore involves
matching. People who have a rapport tend to act like each
other in a number of ways. Rapport skills offer
benefits far beyond your professional or work life. They
may well affect the goals you set, especially those
involving other people. The secret lies in matching. You
can build rapport by matching in the following areas:
Physiology - body posture and movement
Voice - tone,
speed of speech and other voice
charac-teristics
Language and thinking style - choice of words and
representation system' (seeing, hearing, or feeling)
Beliefs
and values - what people hold as true and
important
Experience - finding common ground in your activities and
interests
Breathing - a more subtle but powerful way to match someone
We will address each of these areas separately.
Before we do, you need to understand a few vital points
about matching.
Firstly, always remember the
importance of subtlety and respect. Don't abruptly change
your posture or voice, or mechanically copy gestures.
Make any change gradually and as far as possible
imperceptibly. Avoid attracting the other person's attention by
your body language, but rather help them to achieve
rapport unconsciously. Otherwise you may annoy or insult
them, rather than create rapport. Although highly
conscious at first, your actions should gradually become
natural and spontaneous. Have respect for the other
person as a unique individual, especially when it
becomes apparent that their behaviour and mannerisms
differ from yours.
Secondly, you also need to
respect your own body. We all have different ways to
stand, sit and carry out basic behaviours and these may
differ from those of the other person. This means that
in some situations you will feel decidedly
uncomfortable when matching, and this will come across to the
other person. You may find it physically difficult to
act 'out of step' with your normal posture and
mannerisms.
You may get away with uncharacteristic behaviour when
relating to a stranger, such as a new sales prospect. But
anyone who knows you well will spot you acting 'out of
character', and this will break any rapport you would have
built by acting naturally. So stay within your comfort
zone and the natural boundaries of your personality.
That does not mean that you cannot match; simply that
you need to choose behaviours that you can match
comfortably, or partly match.
